I Wasn't There - Cashing Out

BBC Radio 4's Saturday Live used to have a slot titled ‘I was There’ featuring interviews with people who were at auspicious events, had brushes with royalty and the like. My contribution to such a series would be more likely to reflect a number of notable occasions I missed:

In 1985 the touring production of 'Pump Boys and Dinettes' came to The Theatre Royal, Brighton. The cast included Paul Jones (no relation, but a source of constant confusion) Kiki Dee, Brian Protheroe, Carlene Carter and Gary Holton, an old friend of mine from London.

He was better known as the lead singer with The Heavy Metal Kids...

or Wayne in Auf Wiedersehen Pet! depending on your cultural references.

Gary had called to say he was in Brighton and that he would leave a ticket for me at the box office. After the show I went for a chat with him and expected that we would indulge in our usual pastime which involved finding a sleazy pub, drinking beer and talking rubbish until closing time.

But it turned out that one of the cast's parents had come to see the show and were taking the everyone out to a local oyster bar for supper and Gary suggested I join them. I do not really like eating with large gatherings, let alone with a herd of performers, as they have a tendency to get up their own fundaments. So I said 'thanks, but no thanks'. Gary tried to persuade me and called across to Carlene confirming that "It's OK if Richard joins us, isn't it?" to which she answered very charmingly in the affirmative.

But I stuck to my guns, narrowly avoiding an evening of puffed up luvvies and, unknown to me until a country music loving friend of mine pointed it out, supper with Carlene's mum June Carter, and June's husband, Johnny Cash.

Bum!

It's all about scale

The magnificence of the desert has been commented on since the first European explorers 'discovered' the sandy wastes of north Africa, the Middle East, the Grand Canyon etc. And it is awesome (in the true sense of the word).

The most amazing thing is the scale of it all. Seemingly endless vistas of sand and rocks the size of office blocks set off against stunning blue sky - splendid!

Of course the lack of anything which you can use to give a sense of scale adds to the mystery.

After all, it might just be a pile of building rubble in a car park.

Retail fnarr fnarr

I promised myself I would not indulge in cheap gags about foreign retail products, but as well as appearing to be a little 'does what is says on the tin', this lot seem to be arranged in order of seriousness...

... especially if, like me, you read the 'rn' in Burnol as an m. 

'Should have gone to Specsavers' [You did. Ed.]

Ready to Implement the Special Requests...

This raises more questions than it answers:

Well, I'll be Buggied...

They were alloys as well...

Fish Fence

At a gig on the beach I was talking to a local guy whose English was pretty good but far from perfect. He told me that all local life forms want to get backstage to hang out with the stars - even fish. Apparently they come up with all sorts of excuses for not having a pass, usually a laminate on a lanyard...

"I had one, but I don't have a neck and it slipped off. What do they think we are, stupid? But they keep trying so we have to use a special fish fence to keep them out."

At least I think that's what he said.

The cheques on the posts

A new Guinness world record was on October 24th  when over 250 people twirled chequered flags at the same time.

Seriously.

This may not sound like much of a record, but where would you even get 250 chequered flags in the first place? How about on the beach at Abu Dhabi. It seems a second world record was achieved inadvertently for the greatest number of chequered flags simultaneously indulging in bondage and sunbathing.

For aspirant chequered-flag-world-record-breakers, here is a slightly easier one to go for.

The most chequered flags on a forklift.

Go on, you know you want to...